The Pestilence that will not be NAMED!

Image result for Lice

The last two weeks i have been sick with a head cold and my husband had enough of the coughing not to mention the price of tissues I swear have gone up. I told him the doctor won’t be able to do anything for me but I still took care of it and guess what I have viral bronchitis . The doctor said I must be around people who smoke because only smoker really get this.

Now that’s funny because no one of my friends smoke. In fact I have asthma so I know if I am around smoking I cut my life span down. (Which wouldn’t be a big deal if you think my grandmother is turning 100 this year.)  Bars don’t even let people smoke in them and when I have a cold I avoid any and all places that might have someone smoking because I hate getting bronchitis.  They changed my rescue inhaler for a different one in hopes that will clear things up.  The mornings are the worst and my voice comes and goes. So you can Imagine my kids love it because all I can do is snap my fingers or clap my hands. Which my 3 year old takes as keep on going mom thinks you are being cute.

Sunday morning before the Urgent care visit my son comes up to me and says “My head itches.” I ask him to give me a second and I figure out my cycle started. (What? Yes that’s right crazy train has felt the station might not be back)

I take him outside and sure enough I find pestilence we will no name because it might bring them back. I try hard not to freak out instead I tell my husband get the clippers and get rid of all that hair.  This kid had tons of hair. It took twenty minutes to get it short enough.  After he was done clipping I made him change his clothes outside, covered his head in Crisco, wrapped it with plastic wrap and tapped it so nothing could escape.  I might have started chanting DIE bug Die in my very hoarse voice.  I quickly checked everyone else heads and they looked cleared.

I didn’t know where to start. I was completely lost because last time I was in such a panic I called a friend over to help me and than passed out. No joke I totally passed out from not breathing.  I quickly did what I could remember pulling apart all the bed, pillows and the list goes on.  I don’t have a steamer and I didn’t want to become the plague to my friends so I didn’t borrow the streamer instead I vacuum the beds and anything else you can think of.  My husband took the girls and left for the day.

Here I am sick, on my period and my son has lice once again.  Than it hit me someone has to have a list of everything a person should do if their family has lice.  I search and found every horror story possible to the point I had a complete and utter anxiety attack and than my OCD clicked in.

Monday morning arrives and I found two black nits on my sons head which means the lice is dead.  I checked my daughters head and I wasn’t sure what I found. One tiny clear seed pod.  I pulled it out and sprayed her head and the other daughters head with tea tree oil mix.  As the day went on my son helped clean by watching his yonder brother while his sisters were at school.  The day went on and my anxiety crazy train took off thinking about that seed pod I found on her head. My head wouldn’t stop itching so after picking the girls up from school I quickly covered their head in Crisco as they both cried.  Than I put bright pink shower caps on their heads. I than covered mine because I couldn’t’ stop itching and by the way still can’t.

Homework done, and the kids were all playing with their crisco heads. I sat down and started to make a check list of everything that needed to be done.  I call it the Lice Check List of things to always keep on hand, what needs to be washed vs bagged or dryer.

Once I get it finished I will put it up on the site for anyone and every one to use.  The Pestilence that will not be named is currently unfound in the house. I refuse to say we are clear but I haven’t found a nit but those things are so tiny who know until 14 days later.


No one is safe from the pestilence that will not be name if you have kids of any age. Girl, Boy doesn’t matter they all bring it home at some point.  I have put the fear in my kiddos and told them if teachers have a problem they can call the momma.

List coming soon.


I have to laugh

Last Wednesday I decided I needed to work out but I hate leaving my kid at the Gym’s daycare not to mention the cost is insane.  I decided to try daily Burn it is free for 30 days but I was hooked after only two days.  I wake up every morning at 6am workout for 30-40 mins and my day starts.

What has happened so far?

I am so freaking sore it isn’t even funny. I care barely walk up the stairs not to mention trying to sit down on the toilet.  I really started to consider a cath because my legs hurt so bad.

I love treadmill and elliptical but the full body cardio has kicked my butt way more than those two machines combined.  I haven’t felt this good and in so much such painfully since I was in high school. I was taking all the Cardio Kick boxing classes.  I love that I have energy! I love at bed time I sink into bed and my eyes close and do not wake up until my watch wakes me up again at 6am.  I look forward to finding what little gem I will be working on every morning.  My legs hate me and my thighs oh my they really hate me when I have to run up and down the stairs all day to take care of life.

With my eating disorder I have been told Yoga is the only thing I can do unless I am eating 2000 calories a day.  That isn’t easy and I am not going to pretend it is.  I have a hard time telling myself to stop when all I want to do is keep on going because the high is so amazing.  Control is the key word but positive control. I hope this is the beginning over something good and healthy instead of the whirlpool into my addiction cycle of not eating or anorexia fitness.

I am trying very hard to eat balanced meals but lets face it as a mom of 4 sometimes it is grab and go. I will do my very best to be able to eat 1800-2000 Calories a day. I can’t say it will happen every day but I will try my hardest.

Now if I could only get hubby to do it too.

School started today so I will be able to blog more often.

It was successful day my my shy little kindergarten.


If we are facebook friends go check out all the before school pictures of my little ones.


School Starts SOON!!

Summer Over

Summer is over as of July 25th!!

This week and next are endless appointments, play dates/hanging out with friends. Getting ready for school, everyone up bright and early. Which isn’t hard in his house those tiny humans are up at 6:00am every single morning.

Number 3 is starting kindergarten so I have already warned all my friends that the 25th I will be calling pacing around the around without any focus because I will worry she had a good day.  I am so happy and proud of my little shy girl and I can’t wait to see how much she loves school.

Number 4 however I am worried about because he loves having his brother and sisters around him all day.  I have a feeling a little shadow will be with me. He has one more year until preschool so hopefully we can get him potty trained.

Having a clean house will be wonderful but boy it will be quite to. I can finally get baby books worked on not to mention working out while the little one is napping without someone yelling for Minecraft.

I am beyond excited and scared all at the same time.


Allow them to Discover

Discover YOurself

I have been watching many friend struggle in their adult lives. As I watched, talked and listened I realized they missed a really important step in their lives. Self Discover.   We are all parents between 30-45 and yet each one of us are in different area of our lives.

College for me was the step to discovering who I was without my parents and what I believe.  I questioned everything from the air I breathed to why am I here?  My mother hated this time in my life but she allowed me to work though my miss steps, triumphant steps with guidance from her but mostly from my dad who stood back and allowed me to make mistakes but was there when I needed a hug.

These friends missed that step.

As I questioned. I found my own personal answers.  As I grew I discoevered more answers. I married my best friend though those questions and answers.

Married life wasn’t easy bring two very different ideas about the world together. WE listen to each other and grew together asking questions and finding the answers together.  Another step my friends seemed to have missed in their marriage. (Not all but some)

I am very religious and I have no problem telling people but I will not force it down your throat. When I was younger I was taught to question and seek or find the answers for myself.  I still use those steps today as I seek answers in my life.  If something doesn’t sound right I question with an open mind and heart to find the answer and it will come over time.  The difference between my friends and I is that they never questioned the foundation they were taught. Now when the winds start to blow they can’t help but turn their heads to the loudest voice and listen instead of discovering it for themselves.

Ever day I discover something new about myself some good some not so good.  Each day I wake up with a song, a questions and a reason to figure out life.  No one tells me how to think or that my ideas are wrong because well they are my ideas on how to live, feel and think.

I want my children to find themselves without the winds of everyone else telling them what to think.  I want them to stand on their own two feet and own their decisions in life knowing the dad and I will always be there to hold them in a time of need.  Love them with the decisions they feel are right.

They are small still and I drag them to church every Sunday to listen to what I have been taught because I know it to be true. When the day comes and they need to find the truth out for themselves I have guided them the best I can. I did everything I could to give them a stepping off point.

I don’t want them to feel they need my approval for everything HOWever that would be a mothers dream but they wouldn’t find out who they are.

I want them to discover life the way I did. With a little safety cord for those times jumping off the cliff is just a little to scary.

Discover who you are before you bring little ones into the world.  Once you are a parent there is no time to figure it out.  Children look up to your for everything. Trust me I am tried every single day and wonder why I am doing it.

I am doing it because I was called to be a mom. No matter what anyone thinks or says this is my calling in life.   18 I wanted to conquer the world.  Today I want my kids discover who they are and be the best they can be. No need to conquer the world just conquer yourself.

“Mom this is the most Boring Summer Ever.”

When my son came to me the other day and said “Mom this has been the most boring summer ever.”  I pulled out my camera and started a slide show of everything he has done from swimming to make things go BOOM! He just shrugged his shoulders and left.

Welcome to motherhood where you can’t make everyone happy but all you can do is remember you tried your damnest to.

Summer is hard where we live because the temperatures can get up to 118 degrees making going outside impossible even to swim because the water isn’t cold it is like sitting in a bath.  (We dumped 10 bags of Ice in my father in laws pool to cool it off.)

Thankfully my kids are in  modified school year so we are able to have an amazing fall break 14 days of adventures. I decided what we couldn’t do this summer we will try during fall break.

School starts July 25th and while my girls are excited my oldest son is scared and his anxiety is flying high.  4th graded ended on such a low I wasn’t sure my son would ever be able to climb out of that hole.  His grades were fine A’s and B’s but he felt like he failed because he didn’t get all A’s like his 1st grade sister.  My husband and I felt like something was wrong but we had tried everything as natural as possible and yet his anxiety was flying high.  He was always angry at everyone, he never slept and well other body function took a back to seat until he was so full of it the doctors said “You son is so full of Shit.” We all laughed but we knew it was due to anxiety.

After lots and lots of praying we found a Dr. for my son to see.  The doctor came highly recommend and after lots of tears he took my son into his office alone and they talked. When my son came out it was my turn once again. The Dr. told me that my son goals are to better communicate with me and to be able to sleep.  I cried once again telling the doctor I just wanted my son back. He used to be happy not easy going but happy. Now he is always angry and never smiles anymore without a lot of effort.

He talked about everything I had done and he told me that was step 1-10 he would ask most of his clients to do. Since we are using him as a last resort we are at a last resort. Medication.  I cried once again because this was the last thing I wanted to do but I also knew we were at the last step.  The Dr wants to get his levels back were the need to be.

On the drive home from the Dr’s my son told me he feels he can’t talk to me about anything important because he is in fear that I will be upset or angry and than consequence of his actions will be handed out. (He is 10 years old)

I cried I have always tried to be open with my son and hoping he can be open with me.  This statement hit me hard as if someone pulled out my heart and ran it over several times.

I went to my husbands worked and cried because I feel like such a failure. The reason I never wanted to have kids was because I didn’t want to pass on my messed up brain. My husband reminded me that just like diabetes or thyroid to keep the chemical in the body at the right levels you need medication.

This week we have tried really hard to follow a new sleeping habit which has helped my son. He is sleeping most nights by 8:30. That hasn’t happened even as a baby.  He is taking medication but a very small dose and we have seen small improvements.

It hard not to feel like a failure in life when you realized you passed on chemical imbalance to your child.

Writing this out was more for me than anyone else reminding me that things could get worse and that I am doing what I feel is best for my child.  I am working on my own inner demons and maybe my son won’t be in the same place 20+ year later like his mom.  Instead he will be able to fight the demons and he is winning because my husband and I took a huge leap of faith.

Its been really hard lately

my mind

Things have been crazy in my head. I mean life is crazy I am a mom 4 of with everyone home for summer break so it is endless questions, endless fighting and never getting a break from the crazy.  I have been beyond stressed the last two week. First because life and second I will be seeing my very stressful family for my baby sisters wedding. Baby sister if that is what you could call her baby is 5’9 has a PHD in Education and is 34 year old.  Not baby sister Little sister.

I have been in my head a lot, taking my anxiety from a five to a ten.  As my husband walked out the door to work today he suggested that I up my dose from 20 to 30 mg of Lexapro and walked out the door to work.

I wanted to scream at him.  He doesn’t have to take medication to function in life he has the ability to do it naturally. As he walked out the door suggesting that I nearly lost my mind.  I wanted to scream:

“Do you know what it is like to have someone touching you almost 24 hours a day and not just one person but 4 and sometimes more when the kids friends come over. Do you know what it is like to have someone ask you a million questions without stopping to hear the answer. Do you know what it is like to answer that question and be told you are wrong even though you are right. Do you know what it is like to have to eat when you can’t stomach the thought of sticking food in your mouth and ever little bit is killing you emotionally and mentally?  Do you know what it is like to fight against everything you were told as a kid and to rewrite you brain daily all the time while trying to be a mom?”

No he doesn’t because he isn’t in my head. He gets to deal with different type of crap that isn’t nearly as emotionally taxing.

There is nothing I would rather do than go back to being at a 5 in anxiety world.  I want that more than again but when I am never alone.  I am always moving, fixing, cooking, cleaning, kissing, hugging, feeding (trying to feed) listening to endless stories, endless fighting, wiping away endless tears. I am never able to find the peace I am looking for to bring me back to a 5.

Instead of telling me what I need to do I really needed a hug and to be told everything will be alright.  I needed to be told I am trying hard but my brain needs a rest instead of “you need to up your medication.”  I want to cry because nothing I want more in life is to feel peace inside my warring head.  I want to look in the mirror and see the woman other see every day.


Its not easy living in my head right now in fact it is down right exhausting. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do lots of things because I can’t get out of my head. I work out, I clean the house all the time wondering will anyone really care? Does anyone really care about my feelings or how crazy I feel? Do I matter? These thoughts run though my head as I fold another load of laundry, put away another set of clean dishes or make a dinner maybe only my husband will eat.

I fight the good fight but some days I want to give up and hide under my covers and pretend all is lost.  It would be so much easier to but I have kids I want to see become amazing adults so I pull up my big girl panties hoping for a shower and get my day started.

Summer has Arrived. Wait am I busier than before

my mind

For the next 7 weeks summer has arrived in good old AZ.  Ok not really Summer vacation is only 7 weeks. Summer last until the first couple of weeks in October.

In those 7 weeks we have more places to go, doctors to see and friends to be with than we have during the school year.  June is already packed tight and I am still trying to squeeze things in.  After 3 years I am finally getting my shoulder checked out and hopefully fix. My son is going to see a shrink for his anxiety because we have tried everything else and nothing seems to be working.

Trust me when I have say. “I have tried it all!”

Sleep overs with friends, weddings to attend, birthday parties that need to be celebrated and lets not forget the need for sleep in there. Ohh I almost forgot Fathers Day.

Every day something is going on. Mostly fun things like swimming, museums, bookstore and reading.  Ahh yes reading. My 5 year old who is heading into kindergarten is reading.  While we are struggling to blend sounds she is reading and working hard so she will be able to read like her older sister.

Friday and Saturday will be 110-115 and my oldest is going to Cub camp.  I told my oldest he has to take, a water bottle, squirt bottle, and lots of sunscreen.  He wasn’t excited for sunscreen and told me NO. I told him than you can’t blame me for skin cancer that will cause you nose to fall off.  He didn’t believe me so I had him call his uncle who told him the skin cancer almost caused his nose to fall off.  (Not that extreme but he did have a hole in his nose the size of a nickel)

Hey whatever it takes to make my oldest to wear sunscreen.

Two months on Vyvanse and life has been so different.  I still struggle with eating, and my temper but I can deal with life so much better. Lots more laughs (unless Migraine) less yelling, cleaner house (For me!) Things get done every single day.  I love it!

My phone has alarms to remind me to each breakfast lunch and dinner as well as the snack in between to keep my calories up while I am running around and swimming.  Lots of swimming at my father in laws and friends home.

As my husband said “Its like Night and Day.  She is happy, enjoying life and is Heidi. The Heidi I knew that was locked up inside and couldn’t get out.”

He told me I am a positive person and understands why so many people ask for my thoughts opinions and help. (I decided not to ask him my anxiety train of thoughts that went that statement.)

My 3 year old has decided he loves his diapers and honestly fighting a 3 year old to potty train who thinks he is 2. Isn’t fun, (No matter how many times you tell him he is 3) Its not worth the power struggle until he is ready.  I just will tell him he can’t do certain things because he is in a diaper.  NO shaming just he can’t go to certain activities unless potty trained.

Even my thoughts are everywhere because that is what I feel like.

The loves sounds of my children are fighting to time to see what happened.