being honest with myself

As I have mentioned before I have eating issues aka I eat to survive.  I told my husband I was having issues eating again and that most is due to lack of control in my life. I cried because telling him I was losing control and I was in fear I was going to disappoint him. We sat down and created three work sheets for the kids creating a structure plan for the summer hoping it will create more peace in the home giving everyone a little bit of control and a lot less stress. However I know its going to be extremely hard for me because I have to the enfocer which means they are not going to like me for several days but every child book says it will work so I’m willing to try.

I told my husband for the first time what a high it is to not eat. I get almost like a runners high when I don’t eat and its an amazing feeling of control and I loved it. He listen, nodded and I knew he couldn’t understand how I felt after all his family didn’t control eating. He told me to think of certain people that drive me crazy because they dont believe they have problems… however that doesn’t work  because those people just stress me out and I need to grain back the control they take away. We talked open and honestly and he said as long as I’m willing to work on it we are good.

That’s the hard part some days I don’t want to work on it!

Its so much easier to fall down the rabbit hole again and stop eating or eating two hundred calories pre meal. My husband has known about this issues with food since we started dating so its nothing new and he knew I would have set backs. It so hard to sit down and eat because nothing taste good and I know as soon as I’m done the stomach aches will start, waves of nausea take over and the mental punishment begins.

I will never blame the people in my life that in some ways caused this mental addiction because it was forced on them at young ages as well however I can prevent this from happening to my kids by showing them to be heartily. I just need to get healthy first.

I’m hoping to find someone to talk to even it means starting all over again.  I want my girls to be happy, mentally and physically healthy.

I’m not sure what i’m doing

I have been struggling off and on since I was in 5th grade with an eating disorder and imagine issues. I’m about five foot five, tiny wrist from what I recently found out and weigh about 119lbs. Today I sat down and feed my four kids breakfast and stared at the bagel on my plate and almost threw up at the thought of eating a half of a bagel. I gave it to my one year old and went about getting my morning started school, preschool and two tiny people needing their mom. I didn’t eat and suddenly I got such a high I felt so good knowing I had control for the first time since I could remember I could control something in my life. Oh and it felt soo good which I knew was soo wrong.

Nine years ago I went to talk with someone and found that out of all addiction having an eating disorder was the worst because I couldn’t avoid food. We found the reason for my eating issues but I already knew where it came from ad I knew that person will never change so I had to work on myself. Than I got pregnant with my first, second, third and finally last the number four. Eight years of having a few issues but I was able to get past it. Than on day I noticed the “fat brain start to take over but I was nursing and knew to keep my baby healthy I had to be healthy. Easy! Than he woke up and decided he didn’t want to nurse. I was free for the first in eight years. Free from being pregnant, free from nursing, free from worrying whether my body was healthy enough, I was free to get rid of pregnancy clothes. I felt free and then the “Fat Brain started to take over.” I found myself avoiding the mirror, dressing quickly, if I caught a glimpse I tore myself apart. Hips too big, saggy skin, stretch marks, sad boobs (nursed four babies for a year or more each they worked hard.) Everything about me was awful and I hated it. I worked hard to look nice and even with my husband and others telling me I looked great I didn’t feel great. My kids and I started fighting about everything, my mother in law died, my parents came to visit, my husband seemed so lost without his mom and people depended on me and I couldn’t let them down. Stress took over and I needed to grain control and I can control, what, when and how I eat. It became a high my stomach stopped growling one day. I eat when my husband is around so some days I get two meals other I get one in. I use the excuse I’m too busy but I’m not. I was taught food was needed to stay alive bad if you ate more than that you would get fat.

Today I took the first step I asked for help even though I enjoy not eating and personally I like watching the numbers on the scale drop I know it’s wrong. I asked the one person in the world I trust my best friend and husband of eleven years to help me find someone to talk too. I’m starting all over again with a new therapist but I know it’s the right thing to do…. I hope 😐

I will try and keep this blog all about book reviews because I LOVE reading but every so often I will need to vent where my family can’t find me and if you don’t want to read I understand. Listening to a skinny person complain about “being fat” isn’t fun I know but in my head I’m not. In my head I’m still that chubby faced fifth grader who wanted to be a model and archeologist.

I’m a Mom!

I’m a mom of 4 tiny people under the age of 7. The youngest just celebrated his first birthday by doing the best thing in the world eating his birthday cake, throwing his birthday cake and reminding me why I love him so much. My one year old is constantly smiling, laughing and is down right happy all the time. He goes to bed smiling, he wakes up smiling, eats his dinner smiling, drink his bottle smiling. As my husband said the other day he is our Olaf. “I like warm Huges.That is what my little one year old is like.

Ive  asked many times “Why did I ruin my perfect family?”  My oldest is a boy and number two is a girl aka the perfect family according people I know.  If I had stopped at two I could be going back to work, or college or just about anything with the free time I would have but than I would miss out on my hug and kiss hour from my 3 year old and my beautiful sweet 1 years old giggles, laughs, endless smiling and non stop babbling.

Motherhood is hard and some days if not most days it really suck the big one BUT in those quite moments I can’t imagine my life without every single tiny person in it.

With that being said I have read about six books I need to review and post. Oh your wonder why I have time to read? Car pick up, potty training when I sit next to the child praying the pee, late nights under my covers hoping no one finds me. I love escaping fro the real world to be living in the south as an undercover agent, or a history nerd who stumbles on a dead body or a bodyguard who can barely keep her family happy as she struggles with life.  Thank you to everyone we has ever written a book because have helped me escape from the real world for a few minutes.