I’m not sure what i’m doing

I have been struggling off and on since I was in 5th grade with an eating disorder and imagine issues. I’m about five foot five, tiny wrist from what I recently found out and weigh about 119lbs. Today I sat down and feed my four kids breakfast and stared at the bagel on my plate and almost threw up at the thought of eating a half of a bagel. I gave it to my one year old and went about getting my morning started school, preschool and two tiny people needing their mom. I didn’t eat and suddenly I got such a high I felt so good knowing I had control for the first time since I could remember I could control something in my life. Oh and it felt soo good which I knew was soo wrong.

Nine years ago I went to talk with someone and found that out of all addiction having an eating disorder was the worst because I couldn’t avoid food. We found the reason for my eating issues but I already knew where it came from ad I knew that person will never change so I had to work on myself. Than I got pregnant with my first, second, third and finally last the number four. Eight years of having a few issues but I was able to get past it. Than on day I noticed the “fat brain start to take over but I was nursing and knew to keep my baby healthy I had to be healthy. Easy! Than he woke up and decided he didn’t want to nurse. I was free for the first in eight years. Free from being pregnant, free from nursing, free from worrying whether my body was healthy enough, I was free to get rid of pregnancy clothes. I felt free and then the “Fat Brain started to take over.” I found myself avoiding the mirror, dressing quickly, if I caught a glimpse I tore myself apart. Hips too big, saggy skin, stretch marks, sad boobs (nursed four babies for a year or more each they worked hard.) Everything about me was awful and I hated it. I worked hard to look nice and even with my husband and others telling me I looked great I didn’t feel great. My kids and I started fighting about everything, my mother in law died, my parents came to visit, my husband seemed so lost without his mom and people depended on me and I couldn’t let them down. Stress took over and I needed to grain control and I can control, what, when and how I eat. It became a high my stomach stopped growling one day. I eat when my husband is around so some days I get two meals other I get one in. I use the excuse I’m too busy but I’m not. I was taught food was needed to stay alive bad if you ate more than that you would get fat.

Today I took the first step I asked for help even though I enjoy not eating and personally I like watching the numbers on the scale drop I know it’s wrong. I asked the one person in the world I trust my best friend and husband of eleven years to help me find someone to talk too. I’m starting all over again with a new therapist but I know it’s the right thing to do…. I hope 😐

I will try and keep this blog all about book reviews because I LOVE reading but every so often I will need to vent where my family can’t find me and if you don’t want to read I understand. Listening to a skinny person complain about “being fat” isn’t fun I know but in my head I’m not. In my head I’m still that chubby faced fifth grader who wanted to be a model and archeologist.

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