being honest with myself

As I have mentioned before I have eating issues aka I eat to survive.  I told my husband I was having issues eating again and that most is due to lack of control in my life. I cried because telling him I was losing control and I was in fear I was going to disappoint him. We sat down and created three work sheets for the kids creating a structure plan for the summer hoping it will create more peace in the home giving everyone a little bit of control and a lot less stress. However I know its going to be extremely hard for me because I have to the enfocer which means they are not going to like me for several days but every child book says it will work so I’m willing to try.

I told my husband for the first time what a high it is to not eat. I get almost like a runners high when I don’t eat and its an amazing feeling of control and I loved it. He listen, nodded and I knew he couldn’t understand how I felt after all his family didn’t control eating. He told me to think of certain people that drive me crazy because they dont believe they have problems… however that doesn’t work  because those people just stress me out and I need to grain back the control they take away. We talked open and honestly and he said as long as I’m willing to work on it we are good.

That’s the hard part some days I don’t want to work on it!

Its so much easier to fall down the rabbit hole again and stop eating or eating two hundred calories pre meal. My husband has known about this issues with food since we started dating so its nothing new and he knew I would have set backs. It so hard to sit down and eat because nothing taste good and I know as soon as I’m done the stomach aches will start, waves of nausea take over and the mental punishment begins.

I will never blame the people in my life that in some ways caused this mental addiction because it was forced on them at young ages as well however I can prevent this from happening to my kids by showing them to be heartily. I just need to get healthy first.

I’m hoping to find someone to talk to even it means starting all over again.  I want my girls to be happy, mentally and physically healthy.


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