Eating is Hard Than You Think

I woke up looked at myself in the mirror and kept wondering when I got so fat. Since that morning I have been tying to avoid every mirror in my house. My fat brain has taken over again and doesn’t want to lose the control I have given it.

Every day I struggle to eat. Every day I look at my four kids as I eat a half a bagel and think I’m doing this for you guys. My body as gotten so used to what little for I eat and full after eating a half a bagel.
I stepped on the scale one morning and didn’t congratulate myself on my weight loss but instead thought “If I could lose five more pounds I just might be happy again.” (116lbs) Or “I think if I don’t eat breakfast or lunch can I get to (114) by the end of the day?

Heres the thing I know no matter how much weight I lose it will never be enough. I know I control my eating because I can’t control anything else in my life and I know if I don’t get a handle on my eating issues my children will suffer. I know all this and yet I still can’t pull myself out of this downward spiral.

I cry, I search for help but everything seem so out of reach.  Someone once said “Hey at least you don’t over eat!” I cried because I realized they have no idea what I am going though. Or the person who says I want your secret t starving yourself because indeed to loses the weight. Why would you do that to yourself?  my mother spent her whole life hating her body and she passed it on to me. My husband, friends all say I have a killer body for a mom of four. Do you know what I hear. “Mom body four kid.” Mom body=Ugly Body. Sad Right but that’s how my brain works.

don’t want to be like this! I want to wake up in the morning and be ok with my body. I would love to be happy but hey I will take ok. I don’t want my husband coming home every day asking what I had for lunch because he worries I won’t eat otherwise.

I need help! I’m looking for help but some days I just want to let it win!  I’m tried! I fight every day against myself and I feel like I am losing the battle.  People say avoid your addictions but I can’t avoid food its what keeps me alive. How do I fix my brain?
I went to a site that said they would listen but instead they emailed me back telling me to get to therapists. GOSH Thanks already figured that one out.

Its just hard an I need to pull up my big girl panties and figure itnout!

 

 

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