I have mention before that I have an eating disorder and until a few days ago I look at it as something I have been dealing with for a short time but in fact I have been dealing with it for 23 out of 35 years. Pretty sad when you think most of my life I have been dealing with whether to eat or not eat. I can remember the day it happened I was in 5th grade and I told someone I wanted to be a model and she told me I was too fat to be a model and the next day my mom decided everyone needed to eat less. At the end of the summer my family kept talking about how chubby I had gotten and I needed to join sport so I wasn’t so fat. Than I went to a sleepover several weeks later or maybe a month who knows and everyone weigh less than me and started talking about how much bigger I was than everyone else. I was also a year older than most of the girls but that didn’t seem to matter all that mattered was the scale said 110 while my friends were 80-90lbs
Last night I went to a twelve step meeting for eating disorder and most everyone there is dealing with over eating, eating for comfort where I am avoiding eating as away to control my life. I figured I would sit back and listen to everyone but when it came to my turn I opened my mouth and what came out completely shocked me. I don’t love myself.
I love my husband, I love my children, I love my friends, I love some of my family and I even those that kid down the street who drives me crazy but I adore him to death but I don’t love myself.
The question is how do I love myself enough to fix myself. Trust me it is so easy not to eat you would be surprised.
I eat because I know I need to stay alive for me family but how much I eat is what I control. A 1\2 a bagel for breakfast, nothing for lunch and half of what I give everyone to eat. My diet Pepsi to give me energy to make it though the day dealing with 4 kids under 8.
In the meeting we went over Step 7 Which is Humbly Ask Heavenly Father to Remove my Short Comings. What if I am not read to have my short comings removed because that means I loss a little more control over my life.
Even as I head though Humility and underlined several areas that rang true I realized I Understand and I Comprehend but I don’t Believe. I know there is a God. I believe there is a God even thought I can’t see him. I love adventures where I can test the limits and see where I fall, I even love learning new things every day but I can’t seem to believe in myself long enough to fix what is wrong with me.
So I will be going to the Eating Disorder support group when I can fit it into my schedule and meeting with a therapist and I hope and pray everything clicks in because I don’t want to watch my daughter suffer though an eating disorder because mommy couldn’t fix her self.
This ends with me and I will not carry this to the next generation like my parents did.