Personal stuff

I use my blog for a sounding board in life.  No one needs to talk back it just so I can vent out things I wouldn’t normally talk about to people.  I do love books. I find secret hiding places all over my house to read my books and some times I even hide under my blankets to read books.  Books take me away from life, from food and from my eating issues.

I have an eating disorder and over the past few months I have come to realize I need to get help.  If you look at me you wouldn’t think anything more than I look normal or maybe skinny according to those around me.  I personal think I’m slight over weight, fat in all the wrong place and my breast took quite a hit after breast feeding four kids.  So personally I do not like the way I look. I mean 4 babies later I do not look like I did before but than again I was 24 when I was pregnant with my first and now I am 35 and I can’t think of the last time I stepped in a gym.  Than again their are reasons I don’t go to a gym anymore and I love my husband for understanding.

It stated with I was in 5th or maybe 6th I was at a birthday party and all the girls decided to weigh themselves and found out I weighed 110lbs and the other girls all weighed 90lbs.  I wanted to be like them so I decided to eat less at night instead of two slices of pizza I eat one and drank only water.

Than one day I watched my mother get dressed and she looked at herself pulling on parts of her body she wanted to change as she sighed pulling on her clothes.  I figured if my mom would looked amazing to me but didn’t like her body maybe I shouldn’t like mine because I had the same rolls she did.

Than I came home one day some swim practice because I was on the local city swim team winning 1 place blue ribbons and awesome metals. I ate three small chicken patties, french fires and my mother looked at me. “Wow you must be growing and I hope its tall and not rounder.” I put down the third patty and decided I was done eating because I didn’t want to get rounder.  As a teen I stressed about everything and would find myself with migraine on a weekly basis and I couldn’t eat without getting sick.  I stopped swimming and sports because they caused me to eat all the time because I was starving. I always carried a bottle of water around to make sure I wasn’t eating, I chewed gum and ate small candies to keep my tummy full enough until I could get though the hungry pains and than one day I woke up for breakfast and found I wasn’t hungry. Lunch came and went and I wasn’t hungry and dinner came and I couldn’t eat much because I was so “full”.  My sister just below me knew something was wrong but decided to take on the stress of helping me herself.

She was amazing telling me I was beautiful. When my mother would make a weight comment she would step in telling me I was perfect and I love her for that. She tried. My other sister tried as well to get me to eat better by setting up a meal plan hoping I would eat but at the times I thought she was telling me I was fat.  By the end of my high school years I was still fat when I looked in the mirror but my choir director told my parents I was looking a little under weight and thought I should go see a doctor.

My mom came up to me the next day and ask if I had anorexia and I laughed because one of my good friends was and she was folding her clothes in half and I was wearing a size 8 jeans. I told her I was eating when everyone else wasn’t around because of my head aches and she accepted the answer and I went to college.

I found a love for food and I ate non stop every kind of junk food. I gain a lot of weight going from 110lbs to 160. My mother picked me up the end of my freshman year and I told my roommate I was scared she was tell me I was fat.  My roommate laughed at me saying a mother would never say anything about the weight I gained.

I still 15 years later remember the words that came out of my mothers mouth. “Honey get the Wheel Barrow. No get a fork lift I’m not sure how to get Heidi in the car.” She pulled me into her arms and said. “When we get home you will get on a diet and be much happier.”

My roommates face was priceless and I shrugged my shoulders and left for home where I was put on a diet and dropped to 125lbs.  My mother was still not happy with how much I had on weigh and suggest I watch what I eat from now on if I don’t want to get fat again.  I loved College and I did watch what I ate and made she I stayed around 130lbs at 5 foot 5 frame.

15 years later and I am still struggle with me weight I.E .FAT BRAIN and I have to joke about it other wise I get depressed by the fact that food controls my life.

Some days I accept that I have an addiction to food or addiction to not eating food other days I tell myself I am like every other woman on the plant that dislikes the way she looks.  I am proud to say I haven’t stepped on a scale in two weeks but that’s because my husband hid the scale one night and I haven’t been able to find it.  Since I am unable to step on the scale I have found myself struggle with eating anything because I can’t tell if I have gained weight or not.

See Issues.  Thankful I told my husband everything before we were married so he knew what he was signing up for….well almost. He laughs we me, he holds me when I cry and he protects me when I need it and I could never repay him.

I am seeing a therapist for the first time in 9 years on Tuesday. I need help but I don’t want help.  I need to get rid of the desire to control my eating but I am totally scared that if I do I will get fat. I want to learn to love my body, my mind and my heart.

This was the best article I have ever read when it comes to an understanding an Easting Disorder.

http://www.cracked.com/article_21430_5-unexpected-things-i-learned-from-having-eating-disorder.html

Love your body no matter what because hating it not only hurts you but everyone around you.

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