That’s right you Eating Disorder isn’t all about food. I mean I hate food I really do and I eat just enough to keep my body going but its all about control and the endless anxiety I feel every single day.
CONTROL: I can’t control life and I hate that. However I learned at a young age I could control my eating. When I ate, what I ate and later one how to hide my lack of eating. I couldn’t control my brother having brain surgery so I decided not to eat because I could control that.
I couldn’t control my Learning Disability so I decided I would drink a tall cold glass of water before I ate anything and that would fill me up and lots of watery fruit.
My wedding I couldn’t get married when I wanted to or who I wanted to invite so I decided crackers, cheese and water was all I needed because I could control how I looked in my wedding dress.
See it isn’t about food but about all the control I didn’t have. Than one day I woke up and realized I was getting the runners high when I didn’t eat and boy I loved that feeling. Again something I could control and no one could take it away from me. After all it didn’t effect anyone around me. Wrong.
As the years past I found some help but soon I thought I was healthy enough to deal with whatever came my way. Baby 1,2,3 and 4 came and I ate healthy because I had too. Than one day baby 4 didn’t need me to keep him alive he was eating, drink and moving on his own. Number 1 started to stress out about school projects, Number 2 had to be run all over the city for preschool, number 3 was acting out because number 4 was getting all the attention because well he was eating everything and some of it wasn’t edible. So I felt like a crazy person because I couldn’t control my thoughts.
I woke up on morning feeling like my brain was running wild with thoughts I couldn’t get a hold of. It started off simple with my husband texting at dinner and making friends on twitter. My mind however took a different route from sanity to crazy train. I accused my husband of online cheating at least every month. He would reassure me he wasn’t but I couldn’t stop the thoughts from bombarding me to the point I couldn’t sleep at night. Than my car tries had a slow leak which isn’t a big deal right. NOPE my brain went on crazy mode.
Here is a true story about my Anxiety and even though I know those are crazy thoughts I couldn’t help but think them.
Me: Oh man my car tire is low.
I need to find a gas station. What if I go to the gas station and they don’t have air? What if they have air and I have to wait in line that will make me late picking up my kids. If I am late picking up my kids someone might kidnapped them as they try to walk home from school and if they are kidnaped the chances of me seeing them is pretty much never because they will be in Mexico before I can call the police. My husband will leave me because marriages can never survive that kind of stress and he will take the other two and I will never see them again. I will be leaving on the streets all because my car tire was low.
CRAZY TRAIN ARRIVING AT ANXIETY STATION.
That day I didn’t eat at all after the thoughts started to bombard me and before you ask YES I know those thoughts are completely crazy but I couldn’t help them from coming.
Eating Disorders are not all about food. Its about Anxiety, Depression, ODC and so much more. They are about the addictions and control. My addiction is to not eat and weigh myself endless on my scale.
Now I am getting help for the first time. I have finally decided I want to become a healthy person mentally, physical and emotionally.
I didn’t write this post so people would feel sorry for me. I wrote this hoping people realize an eating disorder isn’t always about food.
Here are a few links that helped me as well as those I love to understand what an eating disorder is and how to help someone who has one.
This one help my husband understand my anxiety so much more!