Struggling

I wish I could say my Eating Disorder (Anorexia) is behind me or even behind me for now but its not. Every day I struggle to eat. I tell myself I am eating so I can see my children grow up. I eat so I can have the energy I need to play with my kids, clean the house and enjoy the beautiful spring AZ weather. (Its going to be 90 today) But I find myself eating a half a bagel for breakfast, five chicken nuggets for lunch and kids size portions for dinner.

I asked my husband to go clothes shopping with me because well I hate shopping. I know I know what woman hates shopping? Well you found her right here! I was in need of tee shirts for the up coming hot AZ summer. After the stressful shopping trip (For me not him) I learned I was a lot smaller than I thought I was. What weight I thought I had gained was only in my mind.

Body Image is so difficult because what I see is not what others see. I see fat thighs, jiggling arms, a round face and muffin top. I see it every day but what is really there are ribs, thighs, thin arms, and a gaunt face. Sad really that my brain can change the way I feel about myself with one look in the mirror. Stepping on the scale will take me from having the best day to the worst day with a few numbers. (MY scale has disappeared! I love my hubby!)

girl-in-mirror (Thankful I am not this skinny and I don’t ever want to be)

However this is how messed up my brain really us.

My therapist threaten the scale with me this week. Now your wondering how that could be a threat? Well she won’t allow me to see the numbers. Nothing is more stressful than having someone else know how much I weigh and I don’t get to know. Again CRAZY!

I would never wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy. Its a selfish disease that destroys a person from the inside out. Its an addiction that will never go away. I can only maintain a way to keep my mind focused on the positive when the stresses, anxiety, OCD and depression come my way eating away at me. I need to build those walls to keep them away.

Its a life long struggle, its a genetic struggle even if others refuse to see it in their live its there, and its something I will overcome because I do not want my daughters and sons to struggle with eating. I love them too much to allow this to be passed onto another generation.

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2 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. hang in there. At one point in my adult life I went down to 89lbs, yep, I remember using rubber bands to keep my clothes on…baby steps girl friend. you can do it.

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