Struggling with an addiction to not eating always sounds funny to me. I am addicted to not eating! Yesterday Labor day is one of many days of the year I dread because it is all about eating. SO as I woke up I could feel my anxiety starting to build knowing I would have to face a day of eating. Thankful we had breakfast at home because the very thought of leaving the house as a family to eat a huge breakfast freaked me out. So thankful I had a mini bagel and flavor water for breakfast. The morning was simple I needed to buy a new bra. So I left the house with high hopes only to find out my boobies after 4 babies do not fit the mold in the normal bra world. Wide ribs and tiny booblets. The thing is I have accepted my tiny boobie the hard part is spending 50$ on a bra that will do its job and be comfortable and not think I should be buying something for my kids. Spending money causes my anxiety to increase not to mention it is already 12:30 and I knew when I arrived home I would have to eat lunch because my husband was home. When I walk in the door I see McDonald’s New Buttermilk chicken sandwich. I cut it in half much to my husbands dismay but honestly it wasn’t very good and the tomato didn’t taste fresh at all not matter what the box said. He was upset again that I didn’t finish the other half but trust me it wasn’t good enough. The day went on until dinner time by this point my anxiety is riding so high I leave the house needing a little air and I needed to get away from food. I did eat burgers my husband made along with handful of chips and fruit. However nothing tasted great because all I could think about was the endless calories I was putting into my mouth.
By the end of the night I was getting ready for bed as my mind was going a mile a minutes. I decided to explain how I was feeling about eating and how hard it is and sometimes I just can’t eat and he has to deal with it.
Which my husband pulls out this card “What would you do if I was an alcoholic and I said I just need one drink and I will have everything under control!” It seemed like a low blow at the time because I was already so overwhelmed but the more I thought about the more I realized it is the same thinking I use. I can control everything if I just don’t eat one meal.
Addictions are hard. When I don’t eat I get the greatest high and I feel like I can do anything when in fact my body is I need food. FEED ME! I wish I could say I am recovering Anorexic but I am not even close in fact I pray sometimes that I can just do an entire day without eating to feel like my old self. I don’t want to be that person but the person I am trying to become is hard and the fight some times doesn’t seem worth it. I want to roll over as say YOU WIN FOOD I WON’T EAT but I can’t if I want to be a mom to my amazing 4 kids and the wife my husband needs me to be and the happy person I want to be.
Life isn’t easy but I will not let it get me down!