Just when I thought it was getting easier BAM!!

Oh my gosh my anxiety is crazy right now to the point I don’t want to leave my house.  I know there is nothing outside that is going to hurt me or my family but still I am freaking out inside my head.

I am suppose to go to kindergarten orientation that I have gone to before. It will be nothing new and its at the same school my kids go to every day. However today I don’t want to leave me house.  Everything inside of me screams stay home and go with the normal routine but I know my little 5 year old needs to get an idea of how this school works. Not to mention I need to get her signed up too.

I figured out a few things today like I pretend to be hard ass but really I am a giant Marshmallow! I fight being that marshmallow all the time but I realized today I have sweet on the outside and soft and gooey on the inside and nothing I do will ever change that.  I guess the world could use a little more marshmallows in the world.

Eating is the worst. I went to a 15 year old big birthday party down in Tucson. 2 hours of driving with 4 kids who all wanted to eat.  We arrived and within 15 mins all I could do was want to run and hide.  The room was packed full of people. Wall to wall people with soup, chips and salsa.  Everyone my husband hasn’t seen in at least 6 months all wanted to talk to us and all I wanted to do was leave even though I wanted to share in this amazing event. Anxiety never makes since ever!!

I love and want to be social but some times it is so overwhelming I just want to hide away and it drive me crazy I feel that way because I don’t want to.

Most of that everyone who meets me thing I am so happy go lucky about life and I want to be that person they see but I feel strangled and lost trying to get there.  Therapy help, Medication helps but some days I just can’t figure out why.  I feel locked away in my mind and I can’t get out.  I am so blessed to have an understanding husband who knows my limits and doesn’t question when I need to run for space.  I laugh loud to hide my fear, I smile at everyone so they never know how scared I am and I excuse myself politely as possible to escape the eyes I feel on me all the time.

Eating when my anxiety is high is pretty impossible and today my therapist said “Two of the worst addictions in the world is Sex and Eating.  Both you can’t get away. Drugs, Alcohol you just stay way from the triggers but how do you tell someone you need to eat and yet it triggers everything.”  I know she said this not to make me feel helpless but to realize it is a battle I will have to work on all the time.

I didn’t ask for this in fact I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy (Who Ever that is).  I just want to find peace in my mind. I want to wake up and feel peace. To look in the mirror and see what everyone around me see instead of what I see.  I want to wake up knowing I am worth it! I constantly shame myself for not being perfect. I wonder why people want me to do things when I feel someone is better at it than me.

For those of you reading this realized this is my outlet, venting my angry, frustration and the humors moments in life.

I truly love life! I do!! I am blessed but I am also lost in my mind.  Mental Health has always been like a 4 letter word no one wants to talk about because everyone is so different.  I know people who can handle it without any help and other like me who are on medication not because they want to but because they know it will make their mind quite. I wish there was a button that I could hit and everything would be clear. I could see beyond the trees.

I kind of laugh People tell me their biggest fears, Spiders, Snakes, Drowning ect. My biggest fear is being in a room of serious professionals with food.  I can’t even begin to tell you how might that scares me. Spiders, snakes no problem in fact mice and rats don’t bother me because I fed my best friend snakes those and they had to be alive otherwise the big fella never ate. I don’t like scorpions but I can deal with them. Give me a hammer or a high heel and they will be D.E.A.D.

On a lighter note my 2 year old shook it butt at me than pointed and yelled “MOM I POOPED!”  Ahh the life of mommy is never done. I need to go change number 4’s butt before everyone starts to run outside from the smell.

 

Facing your greatest Fears

For the next who knows how long I will be facing one of my greatest fears every single Sunday playing the piano while people sing. Not to mention playing the piano publicly for all to hear.

I know I am hard on myself in fact I have been playing the piano since 7th or8th grade and in college I took several classes with piano but I have never once felt confident enough to play publicly for anyone not even my family. It has always been my private get away where I am free to express my emotions by playing the piano.

It all started when I wanted voice lessons because I wanted to perform on stage but instead my mom thought piano would be better after all I was already playing the violin and I was interested in playing the flute. (FYI neither one I was any good at.) I would pound on the piano until I could figure out the notes to a song I like so I think my mom figure instead of be playing by sound lets teach her site too. SO I sometimes can pick up easy music and play without every having heard the song. I am not good at it but I can do it.

Back to my fears everyone in my church has the ability to play the piano or sing no joke. SO I still can’t figure out why I was chosen when I shake from fear so bad I fudge notes until I catch up with everyone singing.

I also joke when people say don’t hide your talents. My talent is hiding my talents under a mountain so now one has any clue I can do more than read lots of books. I am LDS or you might now as Mormon so everyone volunteers for  calling at church and yes I was asked to play and now I am playing every single Sunday.

Here is hoping I don’t pass out from fear.  I like Music it isn’t my life but I like it. Now bring me to an art museum and I will go crazy with my thoughts and opinions, tell me to talk to hundreds of people NO PROBLEM, tell me to play the piano and I will pass out cold.

Wish me luck!