I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

My therapist has been asking me for a year to see a Dr. Hazel AKA Yoda. He is a 70 year old small Indian man who doesn’t believe in medication but will use it only when necessary.  I set up an appointment and rescheduled at least four times because I just couldn’t do though with it.  I was going to see a shrink which meant nothing I had done worked.

Week after week she would suggest me to talk about my Learning Disability and possible ADD and I would talk about anything else because honestly its the one part of my life I can’t control the tears.  Finally after many text messages from a friend telling me to be the Brave Little Toaster I went in. I took several odd test, we talked and we talked about my learning disability and I cried. I hate crying.

He said had I seen him as a little girl or a teenager I screamed text book silent ADHD. I pull everything inside that I can’t control and shut down. He just silently listened, watching me and handed me another form to fill out and almost everything was Always or often and when he covered with another sheet and everything pointed to text book ADHD and  anxiety.  I started to cry because I just wanted some to tell me I am normal and nothing is wrong with me.

I have wanted nothing more than to be normal. I want to be like everyone else able to talk without questioning my thoughts, or worrying people are going to think I am stupid. So when I can’t be me and I feel out of control I stop eating.

I have never once wanted to medicate. I figured those were people who couldn’t control themselves and they were crazy.

Today after having three different people and lots of pray I found that its not lack of control but the desire to want to be the best people I can bet.

SO as of right now I am Heidi I have Anxiety that is caused because my ADHA is out of control and I sleep less than 3 hours a night with less than 22mins (If I am lucky) of REM sleep.

I want to be the best Heidi I can be. I want to be able to control my endless rolling thoughts.

I tell people two things; This is how my mind works 24 hours a day.

  1. It is either like an endless action movie that never stops rolling though my head.
  2. Its like someone throws a stack of papers in the air and I am told to pick them up as the wind never stops blowing.

So starting to day I am trying something different with ADHA medication. The amazing Dr. Hazel told me I will be able to stop taking Lexapro as time goes one and soon I will be the best Heidi I can be no longer the shell.

I wish people could see taking medication is to help be the best peson they can be and no because they lack the ability to control themselves. I control myself so much very few people see the real me. The crazy fun loving Heidi that might say inappropriate things, talks openly about life as a mom, and someone who loves a good book.

I pray that with changes I will be able to be a better mom, a better wife, better friend and still be crazy me.

Also I have a signed paper that says I am NOT Clinically Crazy.:)

In the famous words of Dr. Hazel. “NO everyone is not diagnosed with ADD or ADHD in fact only 2% of the population is diagnosed and in that 2% only 4% are on medication. Being a walking static will make the world better.”

So not everyone is ADD or ADHD we are just more open and willing to talk about what we need to be done to make our kids and ourselves the person God knows we can be.

FYI I am religious. 🙂


2 thoughts on “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

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