Yesterday was the first day I took ADHD medication and I was scared. I didn’t want to change who I am I just wanted to be able to spill something on the floor and not feel like the world was coming down around me or be able to finish a project without things about a dozen other things that need to get done. I want to be able to sit in a room and not think about all the things that need to get done but I can’t get my mind to focus long enough to do it.
Yesterday was the first amazing night sleep I have had in ages. I had no idea it would be possible to wake up and be awake not thinking of needing a nap after breakfast is over. So i decided it was all due to the sleeping medication I had taken the night before. Than I started to clean and I went from room to room cleaning up without getting frustrated or overwhelmed by the littlest thing. Did I clean just one room at a time? Nope I still moved but I always came back to finish what I started now that was new. It was amazing but I figured it was all due to SLEEP!
Today I got up a little tried because I didn’t sleep well but I didn’t think Nap time at 8:30. I got the kids ready for my 1st graders school program. My hubby and I went with the two youngest, check in, found our steats, made goofy faces at all the kids we knew and enjoyed ourselves. I enjoyed myself without worrying if my youngest was being to loud, or my third wanted to go home or need water. I enjoyed the show! I enjoyed the show!
After pictures hugs Hubby and I packed the car and drove home as I chatted his ear off. Than after twenty minutes the anxiety I didn’t know was there hit me. But it wasn’t fear it was crap I did that. I went to a kids program and didn’t freak out for the first time. Is this my new normal or will it wear off and I will feel crazy again?
Yup this is what we call the anxiety train. Once it starts no matter how hard we try we can not stop the thoughts no matter how much we want to we can’t. I went to reach for a Xanax to stop the crazy thoughts and calm my mind. Than it hit me. This is why I am in therapy to learn to control all of this without the need of medication. So I took the steps I hate to slow down my mind. It took two hour out of my day but it happened. That or all the crazy thoughts made it out and I was able to move on. I like to think I did it on my own.
Something else I have found is time has slowed down but not in a CRAP way can’t the day move faster and the kids dad get home, dinner, brush teeth, PJ, potty, books, bed and start the cycle again. I found I had time to do the dishes, fold my clothes and my daughter who normally drives me crazy doesn’t do it nearly as much.
I have time lots of time. When my brain isn’t racing 100mph I have time and I don’t know what to think or feel. Honestly I feel confused. YES I know confused is weird but so very true.
I guess you guys are along for the ride once more. I am hoping in time I will be able to leave my anti anxiety medication behind and be able to find peace in my mind.
Who knows if in 6 months I will still be taking the medication or taking nothing but I can tell you the one word I can describe about how I feel is my mine is at Peace. If none of this makes any sense here is someone who can tell you it better.
FYI A friend said if I wasn’t ADHD it would be like I was on Speed cleaning my bathroom with a barbie doll tooth brush dancing off the walls and never stop moving. So good to know that is not me.