Its been really hard lately

my mind

Things have been crazy in my head. I mean life is crazy I am a mom 4 of with everyone home for summer break so it is endless questions, endless fighting and never getting a break from the crazy.  I have been beyond stressed the last two week. First because life and second I will be seeing my very stressful family for my baby sisters wedding. Baby sister if that is what you could call her baby is 5’9 has a PHD in Education and is 34 year old.  Not baby sister Little sister.

I have been in my head a lot, taking my anxiety from a five to a ten.  As my husband walked out the door to work today he suggested that I up my dose from 20 to 30 mg of Lexapro and walked out the door to work.

I wanted to scream at him.  He doesn’t have to take medication to function in life he has the ability to do it naturally. As he walked out the door suggesting that I nearly lost my mind.  I wanted to scream:

“Do you know what it is like to have someone touching you almost 24 hours a day and not just one person but 4 and sometimes more when the kids friends come over. Do you know what it is like to have someone ask you a million questions without stopping to hear the answer. Do you know what it is like to answer that question and be told you are wrong even though you are right. Do you know what it is like to have to eat when you can’t stomach the thought of sticking food in your mouth and ever little bit is killing you emotionally and mentally?  Do you know what it is like to fight against everything you were told as a kid and to rewrite you brain daily all the time while trying to be a mom?”

No he doesn’t because he isn’t in my head. He gets to deal with different type of crap that isn’t nearly as emotionally taxing.

There is nothing I would rather do than go back to being at a 5 in anxiety world.  I want that more than again but when I am never alone.  I am always moving, fixing, cooking, cleaning, kissing, hugging, feeding (trying to feed) listening to endless stories, endless fighting, wiping away endless tears. I am never able to find the peace I am looking for to bring me back to a 5.

Instead of telling me what I need to do I really needed a hug and to be told everything will be alright.  I needed to be told I am trying hard but my brain needs a rest instead of “you need to up your medication.”  I want to cry because nothing I want more in life is to feel peace inside my warring head.  I want to look in the mirror and see the woman other see every day.

 

Its not easy living in my head right now in fact it is down right exhausting. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do lots of things because I can’t get out of my head. I work out, I clean the house all the time wondering will anyone really care? Does anyone really care about my feelings or how crazy I feel? Do I matter? These thoughts run though my head as I fold another load of laundry, put away another set of clean dishes or make a dinner maybe only my husband will eat.

I fight the good fight but some days I want to give up and hide under my covers and pretend all is lost.  It would be so much easier to but I have kids I want to see become amazing adults so I pull up my big girl panties hoping for a shower and get my day started.

Summer has Arrived. Wait am I busier than before

my mind

For the next 7 weeks summer has arrived in good old AZ.  Ok not really Summer vacation is only 7 weeks. Summer last until the first couple of weeks in October.

In those 7 weeks we have more places to go, doctors to see and friends to be with than we have during the school year.  June is already packed tight and I am still trying to squeeze things in.  After 3 years I am finally getting my shoulder checked out and hopefully fix. My son is going to see a shrink for his anxiety because we have tried everything else and nothing seems to be working.

Trust me when I have say. “I have tried it all!”

Sleep overs with friends, weddings to attend, birthday parties that need to be celebrated and lets not forget the need for sleep in there. Ohh I almost forgot Fathers Day.

Every day something is going on. Mostly fun things like swimming, museums, bookstore and reading.  Ahh yes reading. My 5 year old who is heading into kindergarten is reading.  While we are struggling to blend sounds she is reading and working hard so she will be able to read like her older sister.

Friday and Saturday will be 110-115 and my oldest is going to Cub camp.  I told my oldest he has to take, a water bottle, squirt bottle, and lots of sunscreen.  He wasn’t excited for sunscreen and told me NO. I told him than you can’t blame me for skin cancer that will cause you nose to fall off.  He didn’t believe me so I had him call his uncle who told him the skin cancer almost caused his nose to fall off.  (Not that extreme but he did have a hole in his nose the size of a nickel)

Hey whatever it takes to make my oldest to wear sunscreen.

Two months on Vyvanse and life has been so different.  I still struggle with eating, and my temper but I can deal with life so much better. Lots more laughs (unless Migraine) less yelling, cleaner house (For me!) Things get done every single day.  I love it!

My phone has alarms to remind me to each breakfast lunch and dinner as well as the snack in between to keep my calories up while I am running around and swimming.  Lots of swimming at my father in laws and friends home.

As my husband said “Its like Night and Day.  She is happy, enjoying life and is Heidi. The Heidi I knew that was locked up inside and couldn’t get out.”

He told me I am a positive person and understands why so many people ask for my thoughts opinions and help. (I decided not to ask him my anxiety train of thoughts that went that statement.)

My 3 year old has decided he loves his diapers and honestly fighting a 3 year old to potty train who thinks he is 2. Isn’t fun, (No matter how many times you tell him he is 3) Its not worth the power struggle until he is ready.  I just will tell him he can’t do certain things because he is in a diaper.  NO shaming just he can’t go to certain activities unless potty trained.

Even my thoughts are everywhere because that is what I feel like.

The loves sounds of my children are fighting to time to see what happened.