Its been really hard lately

my mind

Things have been crazy in my head. I mean life is crazy I am a mom 4 of with everyone home for summer break so it is endless questions, endless fighting and never getting a break from the crazy.  I have been beyond stressed the last two week. First because life and second I will be seeing my very stressful family for my baby sisters wedding. Baby sister if that is what you could call her baby is 5’9 has a PHD in Education and is 34 year old.  Not baby sister Little sister.

I have been in my head a lot, taking my anxiety from a five to a ten.  As my husband walked out the door to work today he suggested that I up my dose from 20 to 30 mg of Lexapro and walked out the door to work.

I wanted to scream at him.  He doesn’t have to take medication to function in life he has the ability to do it naturally. As he walked out the door suggesting that I nearly lost my mind.  I wanted to scream:

“Do you know what it is like to have someone touching you almost 24 hours a day and not just one person but 4 and sometimes more when the kids friends come over. Do you know what it is like to have someone ask you a million questions without stopping to hear the answer. Do you know what it is like to answer that question and be told you are wrong even though you are right. Do you know what it is like to have to eat when you can’t stomach the thought of sticking food in your mouth and ever little bit is killing you emotionally and mentally?  Do you know what it is like to fight against everything you were told as a kid and to rewrite you brain daily all the time while trying to be a mom?”

No he doesn’t because he isn’t in my head. He gets to deal with different type of crap that isn’t nearly as emotionally taxing.

There is nothing I would rather do than go back to being at a 5 in anxiety world.  I want that more than again but when I am never alone.  I am always moving, fixing, cooking, cleaning, kissing, hugging, feeding (trying to feed) listening to endless stories, endless fighting, wiping away endless tears. I am never able to find the peace I am looking for to bring me back to a 5.

Instead of telling me what I need to do I really needed a hug and to be told everything will be alright.  I needed to be told I am trying hard but my brain needs a rest instead of “you need to up your medication.”  I want to cry because nothing I want more in life is to feel peace inside my warring head.  I want to look in the mirror and see the woman other see every day.

 

Its not easy living in my head right now in fact it is down right exhausting. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do lots of things because I can’t get out of my head. I work out, I clean the house all the time wondering will anyone really care? Does anyone really care about my feelings or how crazy I feel? Do I matter? These thoughts run though my head as I fold another load of laundry, put away another set of clean dishes or make a dinner maybe only my husband will eat.

I fight the good fight but some days I want to give up and hide under my covers and pretend all is lost.  It would be so much easier to but I have kids I want to see become amazing adults so I pull up my big girl panties hoping for a shower and get my day started.

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