I have to laugh

Last Wednesday I decided I needed to work out but I hate leaving my kid at the Gym’s daycare not to mention the cost is insane.  I decided to try daily Burn it is free for 30 days but I was hooked after only two days.  I wake up every morning at 6am workout for 30-40 mins and my day starts.

What has happened so far?

I am so freaking sore it isn’t even funny. I care barely walk up the stairs not to mention trying to sit down on the toilet.  I really started to consider a cath because my legs hurt so bad.

I love treadmill and elliptical but the full body cardio has kicked my butt way more than those two machines combined.  I haven’t felt this good and in so much such painfully since I was in high school. I was taking all the Cardio Kick boxing classes.  I love that I have energy! I love at bed time I sink into bed and my eyes close and do not wake up until my watch wakes me up again at 6am.  I look forward to finding what little gem I will be working on every morning.  My legs hate me and my thighs oh my they really hate me when I have to run up and down the stairs all day to take care of life.

With my eating disorder I have been told Yoga is the only thing I can do unless I am eating 2000 calories a day.  That isn’t easy and I am not going to pretend it is.  I have a hard time telling myself to stop when all I want to do is keep on going because the high is so amazing.  Control is the key word but positive control. I hope this is the beginning over something good and healthy instead of the whirlpool into my addiction cycle of not eating or anorexia fitness.

I am trying very hard to eat balanced meals but lets face it as a mom of 4 sometimes it is grab and go. I will do my very best to be able to eat 1800-2000 Calories a day. I can’t say it will happen every day but I will try my hardest.

Now if I could only get hubby to do it too.

School started today so I will be able to blog more often.

It was successful day my my shy little kindergarten.


If we are facebook friends go check out all the before school pictures of my little ones.



School Starts SOON!!

Summer Over

Summer is over as of July 25th!!

This week and next are endless appointments, play dates/hanging out with friends. Getting ready for school, everyone up bright and early. Which isn’t hard in his house those tiny humans are up at 6:00am every single morning.

Number 3 is starting kindergarten so I have already warned all my friends that the 25th I will be calling pacing around the around without any focus because I will worry she had a good day.  I am so happy and proud of my little shy girl and I can’t wait to see how much she loves school.

Number 4 however I am worried about because he loves having his brother and sisters around him all day.  I have a feeling a little shadow will be with me. He has one more year until preschool so hopefully we can get him potty trained.

Having a clean house will be wonderful but boy it will be quite to. I can finally get baby books worked on not to mention working out while the little one is napping without someone yelling for Minecraft.

I am beyond excited and scared all at the same time.


Allow them to Discover

Discover YOurself

I have been watching many friend struggle in their adult lives. As I watched, talked and listened I realized they missed a really important step in their lives. Self Discover.   We are all parents between 30-45 and yet each one of us are in different area of our lives.

College for me was the step to discovering who I was without my parents and what I believe.  I questioned everything from the air I breathed to why am I here?  My mother hated this time in my life but she allowed me to work though my miss steps, triumphant steps with guidance from her but mostly from my dad who stood back and allowed me to make mistakes but was there when I needed a hug.

These friends missed that step.

As I questioned. I found my own personal answers.  As I grew I discoevered more answers. I married my best friend though those questions and answers.

Married life wasn’t easy bring two very different ideas about the world together. WE listen to each other and grew together asking questions and finding the answers together.  Another step my friends seemed to have missed in their marriage. (Not all but some)

I am very religious and I have no problem telling people but I will not force it down your throat. When I was younger I was taught to question and seek or find the answers for myself.  I still use those steps today as I seek answers in my life.  If something doesn’t sound right I question with an open mind and heart to find the answer and it will come over time.  The difference between my friends and I is that they never questioned the foundation they were taught. Now when the winds start to blow they can’t help but turn their heads to the loudest voice and listen instead of discovering it for themselves.

Ever day I discover something new about myself some good some not so good.  Each day I wake up with a song, a questions and a reason to figure out life.  No one tells me how to think or that my ideas are wrong because well they are my ideas on how to live, feel and think.

I want my children to find themselves without the winds of everyone else telling them what to think.  I want them to stand on their own two feet and own their decisions in life knowing the dad and I will always be there to hold them in a time of need.  Love them with the decisions they feel are right.

They are small still and I drag them to church every Sunday to listen to what I have been taught because I know it to be true. When the day comes and they need to find the truth out for themselves I have guided them the best I can. I did everything I could to give them a stepping off point.

I don’t want them to feel they need my approval for everything HOWever that would be a mothers dream but they wouldn’t find out who they are.

I want them to discover life the way I did. With a little safety cord for those times jumping off the cliff is just a little to scary.

Discover who you are before you bring little ones into the world.  Once you are a parent there is no time to figure it out.  Children look up to your for everything. Trust me I am tried every single day and wonder why I am doing it.

I am doing it because I was called to be a mom. No matter what anyone thinks or says this is my calling in life.   18 I wanted to conquer the world.  Today I want my kids discover who they are and be the best they can be. No need to conquer the world just conquer yourself.

“Mom this is the most Boring Summer Ever.”

When my son came to me the other day and said “Mom this has been the most boring summer ever.”  I pulled out my camera and started a slide show of everything he has done from swimming to make things go BOOM! He just shrugged his shoulders and left.

Welcome to motherhood where you can’t make everyone happy but all you can do is remember you tried your damnest to.

Summer is hard where we live because the temperatures can get up to 118 degrees making going outside impossible even to swim because the water isn’t cold it is like sitting in a bath.  (We dumped 10 bags of Ice in my father in laws pool to cool it off.)

Thankfully my kids are in  modified school year so we are able to have an amazing fall break 14 days of adventures. I decided what we couldn’t do this summer we will try during fall break.

School starts July 25th and while my girls are excited my oldest son is scared and his anxiety is flying high.  4th graded ended on such a low I wasn’t sure my son would ever be able to climb out of that hole.  His grades were fine A’s and B’s but he felt like he failed because he didn’t get all A’s like his 1st grade sister.  My husband and I felt like something was wrong but we had tried everything as natural as possible and yet his anxiety was flying high.  He was always angry at everyone, he never slept and well other body function took a back to seat until he was so full of it the doctors said “You son is so full of Shit.” We all laughed but we knew it was due to anxiety.

After lots and lots of praying we found a Dr. for my son to see.  The doctor came highly recommend and after lots of tears he took my son into his office alone and they talked. When my son came out it was my turn once again. The Dr. told me that my son goals are to better communicate with me and to be able to sleep.  I cried once again telling the doctor I just wanted my son back. He used to be happy not easy going but happy. Now he is always angry and never smiles anymore without a lot of effort.

He talked about everything I had done and he told me that was step 1-10 he would ask most of his clients to do. Since we are using him as a last resort we are at a last resort. Medication.  I cried once again because this was the last thing I wanted to do but I also knew we were at the last step.  The Dr wants to get his levels back were the need to be.

On the drive home from the Dr’s my son told me he feels he can’t talk to me about anything important because he is in fear that I will be upset or angry and than consequence of his actions will be handed out. (He is 10 years old)

I cried I have always tried to be open with my son and hoping he can be open with me.  This statement hit me hard as if someone pulled out my heart and ran it over several times.

I went to my husbands worked and cried because I feel like such a failure. The reason I never wanted to have kids was because I didn’t want to pass on my messed up brain. My husband reminded me that just like diabetes or thyroid to keep the chemical in the body at the right levels you need medication.

This week we have tried really hard to follow a new sleeping habit which has helped my son. He is sleeping most nights by 8:30. That hasn’t happened even as a baby.  He is taking medication but a very small dose and we have seen small improvements.

It hard not to feel like a failure in life when you realized you passed on chemical imbalance to your child.

Writing this out was more for me than anyone else reminding me that things could get worse and that I am doing what I feel is best for my child.  I am working on my own inner demons and maybe my son won’t be in the same place 20+ year later like his mom.  Instead he will be able to fight the demons and he is winning because my husband and I took a huge leap of faith.