When my son came to me the other day and said “Mom this has been the most boring summer ever.” I pulled out my camera and started a slide show of everything he has done from swimming to make things go BOOM! He just shrugged his shoulders and left.
Welcome to motherhood where you can’t make everyone happy but all you can do is remember you tried your damnest to.
Summer is hard where we live because the temperatures can get up to 118 degrees making going outside impossible even to swim because the water isn’t cold it is like sitting in a bath. (We dumped 10 bags of Ice in my father in laws pool to cool it off.)
Thankfully my kids are in modified school year so we are able to have an amazing fall break 14 days of adventures. I decided what we couldn’t do this summer we will try during fall break.
School starts July 25th and while my girls are excited my oldest son is scared and his anxiety is flying high. 4th graded ended on such a low I wasn’t sure my son would ever be able to climb out of that hole. His grades were fine A’s and B’s but he felt like he failed because he didn’t get all A’s like his 1st grade sister. My husband and I felt like something was wrong but we had tried everything as natural as possible and yet his anxiety was flying high. He was always angry at everyone, he never slept and well other body function took a back to seat until he was so full of it the doctors said “You son is so full of Shit.” We all laughed but we knew it was due to anxiety.
After lots and lots of praying we found a Dr. for my son to see. The doctor came highly recommend and after lots of tears he took my son into his office alone and they talked. When my son came out it was my turn once again. The Dr. told me that my son goals are to better communicate with me and to be able to sleep. I cried once again telling the doctor I just wanted my son back. He used to be happy not easy going but happy. Now he is always angry and never smiles anymore without a lot of effort.
He talked about everything I had done and he told me that was step 1-10 he would ask most of his clients to do. Since we are using him as a last resort we are at a last resort. Medication. I cried once again because this was the last thing I wanted to do but I also knew we were at the last step. The Dr wants to get his levels back were the need to be.
On the drive home from the Dr’s my son told me he feels he can’t talk to me about anything important because he is in fear that I will be upset or angry and than consequence of his actions will be handed out. (He is 10 years old)
I cried I have always tried to be open with my son and hoping he can be open with me. This statement hit me hard as if someone pulled out my heart and ran it over several times.
I went to my husbands worked and cried because I feel like such a failure. The reason I never wanted to have kids was because I didn’t want to pass on my messed up brain. My husband reminded me that just like diabetes or thyroid to keep the chemical in the body at the right levels you need medication.
This week we have tried really hard to follow a new sleeping habit which has helped my son. He is sleeping most nights by 8:30. That hasn’t happened even as a baby. He is taking medication but a very small dose and we have seen small improvements.
It hard not to feel like a failure in life when you realized you passed on chemical imbalance to your child.
Writing this out was more for me than anyone else reminding me that things could get worse and that I am doing what I feel is best for my child. I am working on my own inner demons and maybe my son won’t be in the same place 20+ year later like his mom. Instead he will be able to fight the demons and he is winning because my husband and I took a huge leap of faith.