“Mom this is the most Boring Summer Ever.”

When my son came to me the other day and said “Mom this has been the most boring summer ever.”  I pulled out my camera and started a slide show of everything he has done from swimming to make things go BOOM! He just shrugged his shoulders and left.

Welcome to motherhood where you can’t make everyone happy but all you can do is remember you tried your damnest to.

Summer is hard where we live because the temperatures can get up to 118 degrees making going outside impossible even to swim because the water isn’t cold it is like sitting in a bath.  (We dumped 10 bags of Ice in my father in laws pool to cool it off.)

Thankfully my kids are in  modified school year so we are able to have an amazing fall break 14 days of adventures. I decided what we couldn’t do this summer we will try during fall break.

School starts July 25th and while my girls are excited my oldest son is scared and his anxiety is flying high.  4th graded ended on such a low I wasn’t sure my son would ever be able to climb out of that hole.  His grades were fine A’s and B’s but he felt like he failed because he didn’t get all A’s like his 1st grade sister.  My husband and I felt like something was wrong but we had tried everything as natural as possible and yet his anxiety was flying high.  He was always angry at everyone, he never slept and well other body function took a back to seat until he was so full of it the doctors said “You son is so full of Shit.” We all laughed but we knew it was due to anxiety.

After lots and lots of praying we found a Dr. for my son to see.  The doctor came highly recommend and after lots of tears he took my son into his office alone and they talked. When my son came out it was my turn once again. The Dr. told me that my son goals are to better communicate with me and to be able to sleep.  I cried once again telling the doctor I just wanted my son back. He used to be happy not easy going but happy. Now he is always angry and never smiles anymore without a lot of effort.

He talked about everything I had done and he told me that was step 1-10 he would ask most of his clients to do. Since we are using him as a last resort we are at a last resort. Medication.  I cried once again because this was the last thing I wanted to do but I also knew we were at the last step.  The Dr wants to get his levels back were the need to be.

On the drive home from the Dr’s my son told me he feels he can’t talk to me about anything important because he is in fear that I will be upset or angry and than consequence of his actions will be handed out. (He is 10 years old)

I cried I have always tried to be open with my son and hoping he can be open with me.  This statement hit me hard as if someone pulled out my heart and ran it over several times.

I went to my husbands worked and cried because I feel like such a failure. The reason I never wanted to have kids was because I didn’t want to pass on my messed up brain. My husband reminded me that just like diabetes or thyroid to keep the chemical in the body at the right levels you need medication.

This week we have tried really hard to follow a new sleeping habit which has helped my son. He is sleeping most nights by 8:30. That hasn’t happened even as a baby.  He is taking medication but a very small dose and we have seen small improvements.

It hard not to feel like a failure in life when you realized you passed on chemical imbalance to your child.

Writing this out was more for me than anyone else reminding me that things could get worse and that I am doing what I feel is best for my child.  I am working on my own inner demons and maybe my son won’t be in the same place 20+ year later like his mom.  Instead he will be able to fight the demons and he is winning because my husband and I took a huge leap of faith.

Summer has Arrived. Wait am I busier than before

my mind

For the next 7 weeks summer has arrived in good old AZ.  Ok not really Summer vacation is only 7 weeks. Summer last until the first couple of weeks in October.

In those 7 weeks we have more places to go, doctors to see and friends to be with than we have during the school year.  June is already packed tight and I am still trying to squeeze things in.  After 3 years I am finally getting my shoulder checked out and hopefully fix. My son is going to see a shrink for his anxiety because we have tried everything else and nothing seems to be working.

Trust me when I have say. “I have tried it all!”

Sleep overs with friends, weddings to attend, birthday parties that need to be celebrated and lets not forget the need for sleep in there. Ohh I almost forgot Fathers Day.

Every day something is going on. Mostly fun things like swimming, museums, bookstore and reading.  Ahh yes reading. My 5 year old who is heading into kindergarten is reading.  While we are struggling to blend sounds she is reading and working hard so she will be able to read like her older sister.

Friday and Saturday will be 110-115 and my oldest is going to Cub camp.  I told my oldest he has to take, a water bottle, squirt bottle, and lots of sunscreen.  He wasn’t excited for sunscreen and told me NO. I told him than you can’t blame me for skin cancer that will cause you nose to fall off.  He didn’t believe me so I had him call his uncle who told him the skin cancer almost caused his nose to fall off.  (Not that extreme but he did have a hole in his nose the size of a nickel)

Hey whatever it takes to make my oldest to wear sunscreen.

Two months on Vyvanse and life has been so different.  I still struggle with eating, and my temper but I can deal with life so much better. Lots more laughs (unless Migraine) less yelling, cleaner house (For me!) Things get done every single day.  I love it!

My phone has alarms to remind me to each breakfast lunch and dinner as well as the snack in between to keep my calories up while I am running around and swimming.  Lots of swimming at my father in laws and friends home.

As my husband said “Its like Night and Day.  She is happy, enjoying life and is Heidi. The Heidi I knew that was locked up inside and couldn’t get out.”

He told me I am a positive person and understands why so many people ask for my thoughts opinions and help. (I decided not to ask him my anxiety train of thoughts that went that statement.)

My 3 year old has decided he loves his diapers and honestly fighting a 3 year old to potty train who thinks he is 2. Isn’t fun, (No matter how many times you tell him he is 3) Its not worth the power struggle until he is ready.  I just will tell him he can’t do certain things because he is in a diaper.  NO shaming just he can’t go to certain activities unless potty trained.

Even my thoughts are everywhere because that is what I feel like.

The loves sounds of my children are fighting to time to see what happened.

Lost and yet Found

homework

This last year has been really hard on my 9 year old son. School has never been a challenge in fact he usually is very bored but this year something has changed.  He is struggling in all the subjects he found easy last year. I tried to get his teachers to talk to me but they are busy so I tried emailing than parent teacher conferences I would ask for help from them, advice. In the end  I would be is “Your son is super intelligent he understand stand concepts most adults do not understand but he struggles with his work”.

I told them I would email them every Friday if the could help me keep my son on track. For weeks I got your son is all caught up no problems. Than out of the blue I find what looks to be an assignment stuffed in his backpack along with several others. I email his teachers and they write yes those are 3 weeks late.  3 Weeks Late.  So while I was getting the your son is doing great emails in fact he was falling behind once again.

I have watched my sons anxiety grow epic proportions. I tried to to figure out what was going on but all his teachers would say is everything is wonderful and he would say everything is fine.

I have talk to them many times asking if I should get him tested or have him see someone to find out a way to better control his anxiety and sometimes his day dreaming and all I would get if you want to.

Do I want to? Hell No! I don’t want to be told that I have passed on this wonder gene known as Anxiety and ADD.

After lots of talking with my Hubby we are taking my oldest in to see a shirk who is a non medication unless needed. I figured why crawl to the top when I might as well to jump.

I want to hear he is a normal slightly stressed out 10 year old but in my heart I know differently.

To top off my week.  My daughters preschool teacher calls wanting to have a sit down two weeks before preschool is out to tell me my 5 year old is having trouble hearing and blending sounds. She might have dyslexia and I should get her tested.

As I set here I had already cried my eyes out wondering why I had children when I knew without a doubt that my children would have a 85% chance of having my disabilities.

My 5 year old daughter and my 3 year old son both giggled and ran around my feet as I cried and I realized I wouldn’t give any of this up.  I will fight for my kids, I will love my kids no matter what (Even if they call me from Jail at 3am Needing to bailed out of jail. They will just have to wait until I am truly up at 8am to get them.) I will do anything I can so they are happy, healthy and they can be who they are meant to be and not what society tells them to be.

 

On a wonderful side note I am still on the 20mg of Vyvanse (month 2) and my life is wonderful in the fact I am able to get my thoughts in one direction, I have been able to organize my house the way I always wanted too and my therapist has moved me from once a week appts to every 2 weeks.  There is life at the end of the tunnel.  I will always deal with an eating disorder I will never love food but I will eat so my family will have me around until I am old and 99 1\2 like my grandmother.   So they know what it is like to change diapers.

I need to get things out. Read don’t read this might just be for me.

 

Yesterday was the first day I took ADHD medication and I was scared. I didn’t want to change who I am I just wanted to be able to spill something on the floor and not feel like the world was coming down around me or be able to finish a project without things about a dozen other things that need to get done.  I want to be able to sit in a room and not think about all the things that need to get done but I can’t get my mind to focus long enough to do it.

Yesterday was the first amazing night sleep I have had in ages. I had no idea it would be possible to wake up and be awake not thinking of needing a nap after breakfast is over. So i decided it was all due to the sleeping medication I had taken the night before.  Than I started to clean and I went from room to room cleaning up without getting frustrated or overwhelmed by the littlest thing.  Did I clean just one room at a time? Nope I still moved but I always came back to finish what I started now that was new. It was amazing but I figured it was all due to SLEEP!

Today I got up a little tried because I didn’t sleep well but I didn’t think Nap time at 8:30. I got the kids ready for my 1st graders school program.  My hubby and I went with the two youngest, check in, found our steats, made goofy faces at all the kids we knew and enjoyed ourselves.  I enjoyed myself without worrying if my youngest was being to loud, or my third wanted to go home or need water. I enjoyed the show! I enjoyed the show!

After pictures hugs Hubby and I packed the car and drove home as I chatted his ear off.  Than after twenty minutes the anxiety I didn’t know was there hit me. But it wasn’t fear it was crap I did that. I went to a kids program and didn’t freak out for the first time. Is this my new normal or will it wear off and I will feel crazy again?

Yup this is what we call the anxiety train. Once it starts no matter how hard we try we can not stop the thoughts no matter how much we want to we can’t.  I went to reach for a Xanax to stop the crazy thoughts and calm my mind. Than it hit me.  This is why I am in therapy to learn to control all of this without the need of medication. So I took the steps I hate to slow down my mind.  It took two hour out of my day but it happened. That or all the crazy thoughts made it out and I was able to move on.  I like to think I did it on my own.

Something else I have found is time has slowed down but not in a CRAP way can’t the day move faster and the kids dad get home, dinner, brush teeth, PJ, potty, books, bed and start the cycle again. I found I had time to do the dishes, fold my clothes and my daughter who normally drives me crazy doesn’t do it nearly as much.

I have time lots of time. When my brain isn’t racing 100mph I have time and I don’t know what to think or feel. Honestly I feel confused. YES I know confused is weird but so very true.

I guess you guys are along for the ride once more. I am hoping in time I will be able to leave my anti anxiety medication behind and be able to find peace in my mind.

Who knows if in 6 months I will still be taking the medication or taking nothing but I can tell you the one word I can describe about how I feel is my mine is at Peace. If none of this makes any sense here is someone who can tell you it better.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/a-doctors-personal-take-on-adhd/whats-quiet-adhd/

 

FYI A friend said if I wasn’t ADHD it would be like I was on Speed cleaning my bathroom with a barbie doll tooth brush dancing off the walls and never stop moving.  So good to know that is not me.