Lost and yet Found

homework

This last year has been really hard on my 9 year old son. School has never been a challenge in fact he usually is very bored but this year something has changed.  He is struggling in all the subjects he found easy last year. I tried to get his teachers to talk to me but they are busy so I tried emailing than parent teacher conferences I would ask for help from them, advice. In the end  I would be is “Your son is super intelligent he understand stand concepts most adults do not understand but he struggles with his work”.

I told them I would email them every Friday if the could help me keep my son on track. For weeks I got your son is all caught up no problems. Than out of the blue I find what looks to be an assignment stuffed in his backpack along with several others. I email his teachers and they write yes those are 3 weeks late.  3 Weeks Late.  So while I was getting the your son is doing great emails in fact he was falling behind once again.

I have watched my sons anxiety grow epic proportions. I tried to to figure out what was going on but all his teachers would say is everything is wonderful and he would say everything is fine.

I have talk to them many times asking if I should get him tested or have him see someone to find out a way to better control his anxiety and sometimes his day dreaming and all I would get if you want to.

Do I want to? Hell No! I don’t want to be told that I have passed on this wonder gene known as Anxiety and ADD.

After lots of talking with my Hubby we are taking my oldest in to see a shirk who is a non medication unless needed. I figured why crawl to the top when I might as well to jump.

I want to hear he is a normal slightly stressed out 10 year old but in my heart I know differently.

To top off my week.  My daughters preschool teacher calls wanting to have a sit down two weeks before preschool is out to tell me my 5 year old is having trouble hearing and blending sounds. She might have dyslexia and I should get her tested.

As I set here I had already cried my eyes out wondering why I had children when I knew without a doubt that my children would have a 85% chance of having my disabilities.

My 5 year old daughter and my 3 year old son both giggled and ran around my feet as I cried and I realized I wouldn’t give any of this up.  I will fight for my kids, I will love my kids no matter what (Even if they call me from Jail at 3am Needing to bailed out of jail. They will just have to wait until I am truly up at 8am to get them.) I will do anything I can so they are happy, healthy and they can be who they are meant to be and not what society tells them to be.

 

On a wonderful side note I am still on the 20mg of Vyvanse (month 2) and my life is wonderful in the fact I am able to get my thoughts in one direction, I have been able to organize my house the way I always wanted too and my therapist has moved me from once a week appts to every 2 weeks.  There is life at the end of the tunnel.  I will always deal with an eating disorder I will never love food but I will eat so my family will have me around until I am old and 99 1\2 like my grandmother.   So they know what it is like to change diapers.

Reviewing A book on Eating Disorder

A few days ago I received a book in the mail about a woman’s struggle with her eating disorder. I was excited I wanted to hear her story and see how she was able to cope with her eating disorder.

As I read I realized the book pitched to me and the book I received were completely different.  The more I read the more I wanted to rewrite the book. It wasn’t the grammar or spelling errors that wanted me fix the story it was the fact the story pitched to me was the one I wanted to read. Not the book I received.

I found myself almost getting angry because I found nothing helpful in the book and as I finished the woman’s story I started to write a three start review. Very negative review.

I sat down and talked with my husband who opened my eyes to the fact I needed to reread the book for what it is one persons story of an eating disorder and not the story pitched to me.  I did as he suggested. I still didn’t like the book. However I realized I do not have the courage it would take to write down my own personal experiences let alone asking people to read and review it.

So instead of reviewing I will be asking for an interview I will post on Book him Danno. I am too close to the topic.

Everyone finds management in different way and I think hers is writing this book. No one will ever overcome an eating disorder but we are able to manage it better. She talked about seeing disappointment in her brothers eyes, drinking and abusing her medication to help her cope with the mental pain.

I wish we could have read her mothers thoughts because I want to know what it is like from the other side. Because I know what it is like to be overcome and living day in and out with an eating disorder but I have no idea what it does to those I love.  My husband has always been honest but my extended family has never said anything.

Since I read the book I did a little of my own research and here are a few things I found.

Eating disorders commonly co-occur with anxiety disorders. For those who have an anxiety disorder, a co-occurring eating disorder may make their symptoms worse and recovery more difficult. It’s essential to be treated for both disorders.

Anorexia has the highest fatality rate of any mental illness.

                  .9% of women will struggle with anorexia in their lifetime

                  The person restricts their food intake into unhealty levels. They do not need to be stick thin.

It is estimated that up to 4% of females in the United States will have bulimia during their lifetime

                 3.9% of these bulimic individuals will die

 

A 2004 study found that two-thirds of people with eating disorders suffer from an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives and that around 42 percent had developed an anxiety disorder during childhood, well before the onset of their eating disorder. Other studies also confirm that an anxiety disorder usually the onset of an eating disorder, but panic disorder often follows.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/27825715-finding-faith-in-the-battle?from_new_nav=true&ac=1&from_search=true

If you are interested in the book here is the goodreads like as well as the amazon link.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Faith-Battle-Alysia-Keller-ebook/dp/B017UPS0WC

 

 

Drop off or pick up from school?

I already shared this post on my book review blogging site as well as facebook but I really want it out there so there one more time.  I want other moms to know its ok to struggle and it oks to be “Helicopter Parent” and its ok if you can’t be there for everything your child does. Believe I know how you feel.  Its not easy saying good bye knowing you have zero control on how their day will turn out. Trust yourself you know what is best for your family big or small.

I brought my husband to tears.

MOtherhood

Life never stops for a second no matter how hard you try to make it.

My kids are growing up before my eyes; some days VERY slow and other days, so fast I can’t breathe.

Last night at 3 am my husband and I woke up to giggling. So he went and found out what was going on because let’s face it: if I am not taking care of newborns crying, I am not getting out of bed.
What does he find but our two girls in the bathroom giggling as the oldest is going potty. They said they didn’t want to be alone in the bathroom or in the bedroom so they went together.
(Yes everyone, it starts this early.)

Every morning I drop my kids off at school. Yes, I am one of those parents and at first, I was embarrassed.  I grew up walking to school so I figured so would my kids. What’s the big deal, right? Well, if I did this is what I would miss: “I love you mom”, “I miss you mom”, “Have a good day mom”, and “Don’t be sad that we are not home” as they leave the car. (FYI 99% of the time I do not miss them.)

One day my 9 year old got out of the car and I yelled, “LOVE YOU! Have a AWESOME DAY.”  He came back to my open window and said, “I love you and try not to miss me too much.”

I understand that walking gives them the independence they need to face the world each morning but guess what? Sometimes the world is just a little too hard to face and maybe that last “I love you” will stick with them long enough to share their love and compassion with those around them who need it.

So instead of looking at those car parents as “helicopter parents” think of them as the last line of defense before the world invades their child’s small hearts and tries to beat them down. Life can be mean. They’ll learn that in time. No need to rush that lesson.

One day they will  not want me to drop them off. They will want to take the bus, walk to school or heaven help me, drive. They will not want their mother around to throw those silly kisses at them because it’ll embarrass them. Trust me, I will be that mom.

I can’t go on field trips because I have other littles at home, I can’t be there when they fail a test, or get teased on the play ground, or get bullied.  However, I can remind them every single morning I love them no matter what and to try their very best.

Remind me of this when I am yelling at them to get their butts moving in the morning.

I need to get things out. Read don’t read this might just be for me.

 

Yesterday was the first day I took ADHD medication and I was scared. I didn’t want to change who I am I just wanted to be able to spill something on the floor and not feel like the world was coming down around me or be able to finish a project without things about a dozen other things that need to get done.  I want to be able to sit in a room and not think about all the things that need to get done but I can’t get my mind to focus long enough to do it.

Yesterday was the first amazing night sleep I have had in ages. I had no idea it would be possible to wake up and be awake not thinking of needing a nap after breakfast is over. So i decided it was all due to the sleeping medication I had taken the night before.  Than I started to clean and I went from room to room cleaning up without getting frustrated or overwhelmed by the littlest thing.  Did I clean just one room at a time? Nope I still moved but I always came back to finish what I started now that was new. It was amazing but I figured it was all due to SLEEP!

Today I got up a little tried because I didn’t sleep well but I didn’t think Nap time at 8:30. I got the kids ready for my 1st graders school program.  My hubby and I went with the two youngest, check in, found our steats, made goofy faces at all the kids we knew and enjoyed ourselves.  I enjoyed myself without worrying if my youngest was being to loud, or my third wanted to go home or need water. I enjoyed the show! I enjoyed the show!

After pictures hugs Hubby and I packed the car and drove home as I chatted his ear off.  Than after twenty minutes the anxiety I didn’t know was there hit me. But it wasn’t fear it was crap I did that. I went to a kids program and didn’t freak out for the first time. Is this my new normal or will it wear off and I will feel crazy again?

Yup this is what we call the anxiety train. Once it starts no matter how hard we try we can not stop the thoughts no matter how much we want to we can’t.  I went to reach for a Xanax to stop the crazy thoughts and calm my mind. Than it hit me.  This is why I am in therapy to learn to control all of this without the need of medication. So I took the steps I hate to slow down my mind.  It took two hour out of my day but it happened. That or all the crazy thoughts made it out and I was able to move on.  I like to think I did it on my own.

Something else I have found is time has slowed down but not in a CRAP way can’t the day move faster and the kids dad get home, dinner, brush teeth, PJ, potty, books, bed and start the cycle again. I found I had time to do the dishes, fold my clothes and my daughter who normally drives me crazy doesn’t do it nearly as much.

I have time lots of time. When my brain isn’t racing 100mph I have time and I don’t know what to think or feel. Honestly I feel confused. YES I know confused is weird but so very true.

I guess you guys are along for the ride once more. I am hoping in time I will be able to leave my anti anxiety medication behind and be able to find peace in my mind.

Who knows if in 6 months I will still be taking the medication or taking nothing but I can tell you the one word I can describe about how I feel is my mine is at Peace. If none of this makes any sense here is someone who can tell you it better.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/a-doctors-personal-take-on-adhd/whats-quiet-adhd/

 

FYI A friend said if I wasn’t ADHD it would be like I was on Speed cleaning my bathroom with a barbie doll tooth brush dancing off the walls and never stop moving.  So good to know that is not me.

 

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

My therapist has been asking me for a year to see a Dr. Hazel AKA Yoda. He is a 70 year old small Indian man who doesn’t believe in medication but will use it only when necessary.  I set up an appointment and rescheduled at least four times because I just couldn’t do though with it.  I was going to see a shrink which meant nothing I had done worked.

Week after week she would suggest me to talk about my Learning Disability and possible ADD and I would talk about anything else because honestly its the one part of my life I can’t control the tears.  Finally after many text messages from a friend telling me to be the Brave Little Toaster I went in. I took several odd test, we talked and we talked about my learning disability and I cried. I hate crying.

He said had I seen him as a little girl or a teenager I screamed text book silent ADHD. I pull everything inside that I can’t control and shut down. He just silently listened, watching me and handed me another form to fill out and almost everything was Always or often and when he covered with another sheet and everything pointed to text book ADHD and  anxiety.  I started to cry because I just wanted some to tell me I am normal and nothing is wrong with me.

I have wanted nothing more than to be normal. I want to be like everyone else able to talk without questioning my thoughts, or worrying people are going to think I am stupid. So when I can’t be me and I feel out of control I stop eating.

I have never once wanted to medicate. I figured those were people who couldn’t control themselves and they were crazy.

Today after having three different people and lots of pray I found that its not lack of control but the desire to want to be the best people I can bet.

SO as of right now I am Heidi I have Anxiety that is caused because my ADHA is out of control and I sleep less than 3 hours a night with less than 22mins (If I am lucky) of REM sleep.

I want to be the best Heidi I can be. I want to be able to control my endless rolling thoughts.

I tell people two things; This is how my mind works 24 hours a day.

  1. It is either like an endless action movie that never stops rolling though my head.
  2. Its like someone throws a stack of papers in the air and I am told to pick them up as the wind never stops blowing.

So starting to day I am trying something different with ADHA medication. The amazing Dr. Hazel told me I will be able to stop taking Lexapro as time goes one and soon I will be the best Heidi I can be no longer the shell.

I wish people could see taking medication is to help be the best peson they can be and no because they lack the ability to control themselves. I control myself so much very few people see the real me. The crazy fun loving Heidi that might say inappropriate things, talks openly about life as a mom, and someone who loves a good book.

I pray that with changes I will be able to be a better mom, a better wife, better friend and still be crazy me.

Also I have a signed paper that says I am NOT Clinically Crazy.:)

In the famous words of Dr. Hazel. “NO everyone is not diagnosed with ADD or ADHD in fact only 2% of the population is diagnosed and in that 2% only 4% are on medication. Being a walking static will make the world better.”

So not everyone is ADD or ADHD we are just more open and willing to talk about what we need to be done to make our kids and ourselves the person God knows we can be.

FYI I am religious. 🙂

Spring Break or as I like to call it 14 days straight of hell.

I know right spending endless days (14 days) with my 4 amazing kids should never be called hell.

Yes 14 days spring break because we have a modified school year. The longest break is 7 weeks from the end of May- July and starting in July my third child will be in all day kindergarten. (WAHOO!)

Back to 14 days of school break where my kids will tell me they are board because we can’t go swimming. They will be board because the park won’t be any fun after two days. Riding their bikes will only be fun after they have challenged each other to rid their bikes no handled. (Thankful one is still learning how to ride the bike so I shouldn’t have too many broken bones.)

I plan to take them to the Dino Museum where I let them run lose because first off they are really good kids and second most spring break doesn’t start until the following week.

I would love the idea of taking a trip but lets face it vacations are not the same since having kids.  I remember when vacations were spending hours on the beach, than eating at the most unusual restaurants or hole in the walls. Sleeping in for hours until we decided that maybe we will leave the hotels room.Coronado island as an adult is so much fun but with kids it is pure torture.

Now vacations consist of eating at McDonald for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The beach is off limits because I have a toddler who hates sand. So we might go to Disneyland where I will take the girls and toddler to see the princess while my husband will take our oldest son on all the fun rides. Than we get back to the hotel where one of us will share a bed with a child who can’t seem to stay in one place.

So instead I plan to figure out what to do for two weeks. Playdates/Hangouts, trips to the part, museums, Library, and nights out with friends to remind me there is more to life than kids. WAIT is there more to life??

I love my amazing kids just sometimes I want to be reminded I am more than just a mom.

Just when I thought it was getting easier BAM!!

Oh my gosh my anxiety is crazy right now to the point I don’t want to leave my house.  I know there is nothing outside that is going to hurt me or my family but still I am freaking out inside my head.

I am suppose to go to kindergarten orientation that I have gone to before. It will be nothing new and its at the same school my kids go to every day. However today I don’t want to leave me house.  Everything inside of me screams stay home and go with the normal routine but I know my little 5 year old needs to get an idea of how this school works. Not to mention I need to get her signed up too.

I figured out a few things today like I pretend to be hard ass but really I am a giant Marshmallow! I fight being that marshmallow all the time but I realized today I have sweet on the outside and soft and gooey on the inside and nothing I do will ever change that.  I guess the world could use a little more marshmallows in the world.

Eating is the worst. I went to a 15 year old big birthday party down in Tucson. 2 hours of driving with 4 kids who all wanted to eat.  We arrived and within 15 mins all I could do was want to run and hide.  The room was packed full of people. Wall to wall people with soup, chips and salsa.  Everyone my husband hasn’t seen in at least 6 months all wanted to talk to us and all I wanted to do was leave even though I wanted to share in this amazing event. Anxiety never makes since ever!!

I love and want to be social but some times it is so overwhelming I just want to hide away and it drive me crazy I feel that way because I don’t want to.

Most of that everyone who meets me thing I am so happy go lucky about life and I want to be that person they see but I feel strangled and lost trying to get there.  Therapy help, Medication helps but some days I just can’t figure out why.  I feel locked away in my mind and I can’t get out.  I am so blessed to have an understanding husband who knows my limits and doesn’t question when I need to run for space.  I laugh loud to hide my fear, I smile at everyone so they never know how scared I am and I excuse myself politely as possible to escape the eyes I feel on me all the time.

Eating when my anxiety is high is pretty impossible and today my therapist said “Two of the worst addictions in the world is Sex and Eating.  Both you can’t get away. Drugs, Alcohol you just stay way from the triggers but how do you tell someone you need to eat and yet it triggers everything.”  I know she said this not to make me feel helpless but to realize it is a battle I will have to work on all the time.

I didn’t ask for this in fact I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy (Who Ever that is).  I just want to find peace in my mind. I want to wake up and feel peace. To look in the mirror and see what everyone around me see instead of what I see.  I want to wake up knowing I am worth it! I constantly shame myself for not being perfect. I wonder why people want me to do things when I feel someone is better at it than me.

For those of you reading this realized this is my outlet, venting my angry, frustration and the humors moments in life.

I truly love life! I do!! I am blessed but I am also lost in my mind.  Mental Health has always been like a 4 letter word no one wants to talk about because everyone is so different.  I know people who can handle it without any help and other like me who are on medication not because they want to but because they know it will make their mind quite. I wish there was a button that I could hit and everything would be clear. I could see beyond the trees.

I kind of laugh People tell me their biggest fears, Spiders, Snakes, Drowning ect. My biggest fear is being in a room of serious professionals with food.  I can’t even begin to tell you how might that scares me. Spiders, snakes no problem in fact mice and rats don’t bother me because I fed my best friend snakes those and they had to be alive otherwise the big fella never ate. I don’t like scorpions but I can deal with them. Give me a hammer or a high heel and they will be D.E.A.D.

On a lighter note my 2 year old shook it butt at me than pointed and yelled “MOM I POOPED!”  Ahh the life of mommy is never done. I need to go change number 4’s butt before everyone starts to run outside from the smell.